paintedlines

Monday, January 21, 2008 1:57:00 AM

Life As A Third Wheel

Dead weight: somebody or something that weighs another down or hinders progress

It might be a personality flaw, but I can be guarded to a very extreme end. Nowhere is this more apparent than when I am thrown into social situations with unknown variables. More than being a wall flower - I am the wall. I want to be there only to the extent that I can observe and my presence is acknowledged as a given but not a factor in of the social interaction.

I watch and absorb. It takes on the form of a reconnaissance mission. Calculation of when and if I can enter the fray, if I should feel so inclined. Otherwise I'm perfectly happy to play the silent type. I think most people would be shocked at what they say with actions than words.

Now this isn't a constant. Once I know a person it can be down right impossible to shut me up. This has long plagued my friends. They see two very different personalities; public and private. A social bi-polar disorder? A need for obsessive control of first impressions? A deeply rooted mess of personal insecurity that teeters on the brink of exposure? The fear of ridicule and mockery? Maybe I'm just quiet at first? I don't truly know.

In some ways it could just be a reaction to feeling like a third wheel, or the odd man out. The one piece that never feels like he fits the puzzle being put together at the moment. The simple solution: remove yourself before the others notice the incongruency. Retreat to that safe distance and observe.

But as with all things in my life, glaring contradictions seem to arise. The sum total of words I have spoke towards those that Tim has dated over the years will likely measure less than the total amount of words used here, that will result in this post by the time I finish. That is, until now.

There could be many factors as to why I didn't feel the need to lapse into recon mode around Kelly. The fact that I had known of her, and had been around her at the bar, could be one. Or the major fact that I don't see her going anytime soon. Since technically, she has jumped from his girlfriend to fiancee. It probably also helps that, I think, she is the first one to actually like me.

So I have no problem talking with her and being open and honest about myself. My sarcastic inner-smart ass seems to pair well with her own humor. That little voice that usually tells me to hold back all but falls asleep. I rarely, if ever, even skirt around the "gay-er" parts. Which, by my own review seems rather unlike me, considering the short length of actually being around one another. She seems interested, and in a rather selfish admittance, I don't mind. It becomes an outlet to express a side of my thoughts, knowledge, and self that generally get packed up a pushed to the back shelf in everyday suburban life.

Although I do consider her a friend. I have to wonder: where is that line drawn that I can't cross. To imply nothing vulgar, but only in terms of my friendship with Tim. Since, in reality, my relationship to her is only a function of my long-standing friendship with him.

If a topic is not one commonly broached with Tim, is that similarly out of bounds with Kelly? I am more than keenly aware what can set him off or shut him down, or just start to make him uncomfortable. The irony being, that Kelly's curiosities can and have been in direct opposition with these triggers.

Oh the conflict. While Kelly and I seem get along, the vague feeling of being that misshaped puzzle piece still lingers. And it is obvious why - they fit together. Thats leave me the third wheel again, the piece that doesn't fit. Common scene would say: treat it like three friends. The truth is, when you do the social math, they result in a neat and tidy whole number, and I hang there as the ungainly remainder. Nothing new here, nor is it upsetting. It is the nature of such things.

In the end its is about striking the right balance. I have yet to know my place in this totally untrodden social dynamic, if I even have one in the long run. I fear this to be a messy endeavor, in that, the only way to map the borders is to hit a few nerves to see where, and how deep they are buried. A task I inadvertently stumbled into tonight. With a conversation that covered topics as wide ranging as the personal politics of government and the role of social safety nets and dole, to Disney parks, to gays, to gays at Disney parks to music, 80's music, gays in music to the legal issues around pot, ensuing disagreements, abortion and libertarian principles. Some of these asides ending with clearer stances and resolutions than others.

All the while, either drinking Eat 'n Park coffee, or wishing I had more in my system for the ride home, and the latter part of the conversations. And here I thought it was going to be a fun little night at a West Virginia casino. These moments are never as simple as you think they are. I lost more than $35 tonight - I may have lost my guard, if only temporarily.

Why do I suddenly wish I could drop back and be that wall? Would it have been better had I said nothing at all? Just watch over the rim of my coffee cup from the start, as I have so many times before.

I'm out of my element and caffeine.
Sunday, January 20, 2008 3:02:00 PM

Year In Review 1: Still No Answers

I started this year lost, and ended much the same way. Someone peeled off the "You are here" sticker.

I am once again going to attempt this thing they call blogg'n. Failing twice before, I have decide that this blog will finally have a theme. To be more exact, a lack of one. Every time I try to write, and be topical in some scope, it burns out.

So random will be the nature of this blog. I ironically that was the original intent, but, as with all previous tries - it died. It is with that in mind that my 1st real post of the year looks back at the one that has just past. If anything, the last year has been the definition of random.

I started the year lost. That would be the best way to put it. I just don't know what to do next with my life. It is this mode that I drifted into the year and subsequently bounced from event to event.

Radical tangents seem to mark the beginning - from my mothers double knee replacement to a trip to Disney World and the birth of my niece while I was in the middle of the "Happiest Place on Earth". Three very distinct events that all marked me differently.

First, I was put in a position of taking care of my mother for the first time. As I have said in this very space, this was a complete reversal of what had been my past. But more than that, upon reflection, it hit me that despite my mental place, we are all getting older. The question then becomes: am I really ready for all that comes with it.

Disney, in many ways, proved to be a counterpoint. While the adult side of both Tim and I came to the realization that we are fully capable of more than just road trips into neighboring states (that hate us) - the destination was pure escapism. Once there, all feeling of responsibility basically get swept away and you enjoy being part of the "magic" aka the Disney tourism machine that moves you from ride to ride, park to park, and cash from wallet to the register.

It may seem silly but this was probably one of the most important trips I have ever taken, and it had very little to do with the destination. Although I would be remiss if I didn't not admit that I had a blast. The main point being, however shaky my friendship with Tim has been or whatever comes in the future, that friendship will always be there. Hell, he feels more like family than some cousins do at this point, and that is one of the few things in my life I am finally sure of. I really don't know what it was in the week that solidified it for me. But in the end, that is what I took away from the trip. Well that, a neck full of pins, a Beaker t-shirt and credit card debit.

While I was down there, another event occurred that hit me hard, but this is one that I could pin point. The birth of my niece, Crista. As I went on a baby spending spree at the most expensive park in the USA, I was actually sorta saddened. Part of me knows I'm more or less predestined to always be someones "Uncle" and nothing more. Maybe that will be enough, but as with most things, time will tell It seems that every highpoint has to have that emotional flip side.

The "in between times" - the spaces between personal events, where you view and encounter the lives of others, but otherwise have little effect on the subject - were no more calm. Two friends came out while one went way.

One of the many joys of the Information Age is the infectious spread of data. Any page can be the vector and any communication stream can be the carrier. Bouncing from site to site person to person till it reaches an interested party. It seem there is no better medium for my generation than Myspace - my own personal dislike aside. This exceedingly ugly profile site played a part in the outing of two friends: one passive, one active.

The first was Brenda. Tim had come across her profile late one night and though txt conveyed his shock. This peaked my own curiosity and forced my hand in finally signing up for a profile of my own. Not only out and proud, she is, last I checked, engaged. For as progressive as I claim to be, I had always had an issue with putting my sexuality into profiles. I don't know if it was fear or for the sake of self insulation. But after seeing hers and after getting in touch after so long, if only by email - I finally checked that box to post that fact for the public record that the net has become.

One simple step on my part, lead to one of the oddest chats I have ever had on AIM in my life. I had not talked (chat) with Vicky for sometime. I still considered her a friend although we hadn't seen each other face to face in year. The net provided a bridge for the occasional conversation and connection. But while touching base a few month prior she has summarily dismissed my excitement over finally being able to drive. Basically saying that it really didn't matter, she lived downtown and didn't need a car - she didn't really care. That began the radio silence, since nine times out of ten I was the one that IM'd her. Frankly, I was pissed, while yes, to most people driving seems trivial, this was a major milestone for me.

Then, one day, out of nowhere a box with her screen name popped up...

We have something in common

It is not much of a surprise to say I was taken back by this simple statement on her part. Beyond the fact that it has been so long, it was random and vague. But it was my simple act of clicking that check box to "gay" that brought it about. And while I will admit I was most shocked by Vicky than Brenda, on a selfish note, I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one playing an private emotional shell game back when we all had classes together. But one has to wonder if those schools days would have been easier if we could had been honest with ourselves and each other.

In another school days related note, I lost a great friend and teacher this year. Thought the years there have always been people in my life that have greatly influenced me, and as such I hold these people in very high regard. In terms of schooling there have been few, but the short list is Mrs. LoPresti, Mrs. Schmidt, and Ms. Fortino. But sadly the first of the three, Mrs. Lo passed this year. With her gone that part of my life seems to sink farther away, but I will never forget her and the mark she left on my life, and to cherish the connections I still have.

For lack of a better place, I'm ending part one, (aka the first half) here. Overly long winded posts never turn out well. And a day or two to think over the net section can't hurt, since it all goes down hill from here.

It always looks the worst from the edge of the cliff.